When Did I Become So Granola?!

I've been torn for SO long, fighting an inner turmoil that I'm not sure how to appease.  First off, there's the girl I've known for 30 years who didn't ask questions and just followed the norm... But lately, there's this inner spirit that's really wanting to get out... I've started to open my eyes and see that it's ok to not keep up with the Jones's, to actually struggle with things and want to seek a broader calling and chart your own path in the world. Isn't that what life is really all about? Finding a mission, a purpose and stepping out of our comfort zone to maximize who you feel you are meant to be?!  Over the last few years, I've kept pretty quiet about the journey my soul has been on... I wasn't sure until recently what it was that has caused this sudden concern and I can't necessarily pinpoint it to one specific thing. In reality, it's the larger idea of...

becoming granola. 

...Really granola.

There, I said it. Now that it's out there, you can't unsee it. The words are permanent and I'll continue to move forward (oftentimes with two steps back) until I'm happy where I am or I'm out of time.

This is where you politely (but quickly) click the X at the top right corner and pretend it was an accident and walk away because this is where it's going to get odd and there's nothing wrong with things exactly the way they are now...(If you're lucky, maybe at the end I'll show you the tent we made out of tree bark and the hair brushes we fashioned out of pine needles... just kidding, that totally won't happen.)

I know that a lot of the things I'll say are going to sound crazy.  That's ok, I'm fine being the crazy person you know that seems a little off.. But aren't those the best kinds of people to know!?  I don't think I'm any kind of alarmist or doomsday prepper and please don't call mental health thinking I've gone off the deep end.  In fact, I'm going to say it's quite the opposite (even if it's just in my head)... I feel clear and free and connected, more so than ever before.

As I become more and more granola, I'm becoming more and more of who I want to be. The person I believe I'm meant to be. There are so many big ideas swirling in my head that I decided to start a blog so I can get them out on paper.

I guess I've always known I was different. I remember being reminded to put on lipstick to give my face some color. I never was good at worrying about how I looked or how others looked. It seemed like such a trivial thing to worry about. Quite honestly, I still feel that way.  All I think people really need to know about is what's inside. Why we're so wrapped up in vanity I'll never understand.  I know that's crazy and not mainstream, but I'm happy like that!  I think as I grow, I'm learning more and more that I have a strong desire to be rooted and connected and grounded with the earth and nature. But with that feeling comes the turmoil that I'm inevitably feeling... I sure enjoy sipping hot chocolate or a white mocha while perusing Target during the holidays!  But as time goes on, more and more of what I want out of life is no longer a tangible object or possession. It's meaning and experiences and warm fuzzy feelings. Everyday when I'm walking to school to pick up the girls, I get the feeling that my heart is going to beat out of my chest with complete and overwhelming love, wanting desperately to see the very beings that give me so much joy and purpose in life.  Even as I walk, I think about how corny that is. We've only been apart since the morning, but it's another day gone, they're another day older and it's time we just can't get back. It's a daily reminder to enjoy every moment.

It's these kids that may be the reason I go vegan.  My dad was a vegetarian for much of my life and while I admire it, I certainly felt that it was crazy while I was growing up. A very drastic step to take and very Un-American not to indulge in Turkey at Thanksgiving... That is, until I had kids. That's when I started to think about what I purchased for them and started to read labels on packaged goods and do a little more research about how our food system works. I watched more than a few movies. Ever since I first started opening my eyes, I've only become more and more horrified.

I can't live my whole life thinking my choices won't affect those of my children. My choice to eat unsustainable, factory farmed meat will leave our children with nothing if it makes it that far. We need to tread softly on the planet and focus on what we can do to leave it in better condition than it is right now. The amount of meat our world demands simply can't keep up. Vegetables are sprayed with pesticides... the workers in the fields wear masks and suits to pick the very foods we consume...

There was a time in history where the 'organic' label wasn't necessary... but that's because everything was organic.

Material things don't make us happy and neither does money. It makes things easier but not when your things start to own you. There is a cost to each material item that goes far beyond it's monetary cost. Don't get me wrong, at this point, I don't see going down to 4 forks and 4 plates and one pair of underwear... but it's the idea, that life isn't about what we have but what we make of it.

Along the way, however, I've learned that wanting to change and actually changing are two different things. 30 years of doing things one way doesn't go away overnight... change takes effort and lots of trial and error. But now that it's been a few years, I'm at a point where enough is enough. It's time to transition to a sustainable, voluntarily simplistic lifestyle the best we can. We can't continue to live in the rat race and chase the dollar instead of living in the present and enjoying everything around us.

For so many years, I struggled. With what exactly, I'm not sure. I was just doing what everyone else was. Living the life we're expected to. But when I looked around me, I realized that wasn't how I should live my life.  I don't want to just exist, I want to really live. I need to live for me and do what works for me. I'm learning not to dwell on the past but to focus on the future.

Like almost everyone, part of my past includes my weight. I wasn't upset being larger, I just didn't realize I could be something different. I just figured that's who I was and how I was supposed to be.  I never even thought about dieting before last year. I realize now as the pounds slowly melt away that down below really is a smaller-ish person!  Yes, I said smaller-ish... I realize I'll never be a size 2. The best part of this for me is that I'm not seeking a victory against the scale. This war I'm waging is in my heart and my mind.  I won't reach some magical number on the scale and say my transformation is complete. It's so much more than that. I want a mind and body overhaul and I don't ever expect to say I'm done working on me.

I don't consider myself to be on a diet.  I don't enjoy the word nor do I really believe in it.  What I consider myself on isn't temporary, it's permanent and that's not really the definition of a diet as we know it. I'm working myself towards a permanent eating and lifestyle that matches what's in my heart.  We are so removed from our food these days. We're unaware of where our food comes from, the grocery store has become our garden.  These days I'm missing more than ever the vegetable garden boxes we have constructed at a few of the homes we've lived in. I have wonderful memories of working together to build the boxes and the kids helping to plant, water and harvest what grows... Everyday going out to see what's sprouting is an adventure. And it connects us to the earth.

I think I let myself forget how important being able to do that was... or maybe I didn't realize until it was gone. Our HOA doesn't allow crazy things like growing gardens but that can't stop me of dreaming of someday living on a piece of land where I can do what I want!  I want to live nestled in the trees and see the stars on display each night and get in touch with nature.  I want to cook with the girls what we harvest and let them experience the farm to table movement. If they choose a different path for themselves, that's OK. I feel it's important to teach them that as a society, we can't continue the destructive path we lead. We can't continue this crazy factory farming for meat. It isn't sustainable. (I'm not sure if I'll delve deeper into factory farming but trust me, it isn't pretty and isn't for the faint of heart).

This blog is really just be for me to think about things openly without judgement and work through why I feel passionately about certain things. I am not an expert but I'm definitely trying to find my way and see where my ideas fit in with the big picture.

As scary as it sounds, I'm loving that for myself, I'm awakening to what my purpose and passion might be.

So, all this being said, I'm not sure where my granola life will lead me, but I can assure you I will continue to shave and bathe. So we should be all good.